I have got to get better at this

I happened to look through my blog posts last night.  

22 posts last year.

1 post this year, so far.  

Whoa.  What happened to the days when I was posting 3, maybe 4 times a week?

Dang.  I better hop back on this wagon.  

But it got me thinking.  Why should I even keep up with this silly thing in the first place? 

I remember, 4 or 5 years ago, when this blog was my life.  I used the funny things that happened to us to escape the pain and the battles in my heart.  To pretend like was all sunshine and giggles and unicorn farts (just thought I'd throw that in there to make sure you're paying attention), rather than being real.  Real was dangerous.  Real hurt.  Oh sure, occasionally I'd write a post that might hint to reality.  But I made sure they were buried deep between the fluff and giggles.  

And I lived in fear of being "that" friend.  We all have that friend.  The one whose life is so much worse than everyone else's, who sucks the air out of the room through their need.  And so, in my twisted view of reality, I hid everything rather than being real and honest and raw.  

But neither extreme is healthy.  We were never designed as relational beings to stay at either end of this pendulum.  We were designed to balance in the middle - real and raw, honest and empathetic, caring and cared for.  

Thank you for sticking with me as I try to find that balance.  My heart longs for this outlet - writing allows me to process and express what, sometimes, I cannot say out loud.  And my girls do some crazy silly things that just need to be shared.  Like this:

Five Minute Friday: Fight

Now there's a word to get my blood boiling.  I am a fighter, a defender.  

But the fight isn't mine.  It never was in the first place.  I thought I had to fight on my own, that no one would do it for me.

But I'm learning.  Slower than molasses in January, but I'm learning.  I'm learning that I am not my defender.  That I'm not my husband's defender, my friends' defender, or even my God's defender.  I was never intended to take up that mantle.  

I'm learning I have a God who wants to take that from me, who wants to fight for me.  I'm learning I have a Daddy who will protect me and comfort me.  That I'm not alone in this fight.  That the fight isn't even mine.

Oy this is a hard lesson to learn.  It's even harder to live.  For someone who has lived with her fists clenched and ready for the proverbial punch most of her live, the idea of releasing those fingers and opening my palms towards heaven is foreign, uncomfortable.  It feels naked, vulnerable. But it is beautiful.  

The Literal Child

Tonight, this happened:

But not after a full-on freak out session earlier in the week.  

She absolutely lost it - tears, snot, and screaming - at the thought of losing a tooth.  Freaked out and lost all control.  I could not figure it out for the life of me.  She had to have two teeth pulled by the dentist earlier this year - no big deal.  She's seen her friends and big sister lose teeth - no sweat.  But when it came to her own mouth, she freaked out.

Come to find out, she was scared of the tooth fairy.  Scared that some tiny creature was going to sneak into her room in the middle of the night.  Oh.  Given the fact that we had a similar incident over Santa a few years ago, I should have seen it coming.  

Once my extremely literal child was reassured that the tooth fairy was, in fact, Mom, all was well in the world.  She was perfectly happy to lose her tooth, even asked us to pull it out tonight.  And now my sweet, seven, gap-mouthed kid is sleeping peacefully.  Waiting for her "tooth fairy" to come.  

20

What's a birthday like in Heaven, sis?

Does Jesus throw the party?  I bet the food is fantastic.  

Your Father knows exactly the right gift.  He has always known.

~ ~ ~

Or do you even know it's your birthday in heaven? 

 In a place of perfection, beauty, and worship, in a place where time doesn't exist, is there even the celebration of the passing of a year?

~ ~ ~ 

On earth, today is bittersweet.  You would have been 20.  We would have been texting happy birthday wishes, writing on your FB wall, hugging you fiercely at church.  Probably doing something fun and slightly crazy to celebrate.  Today would have been a day to celebrate the amazing creation God made in you.  

~ ~ ~ 

Today will still be a day to celebrate you.  It always will.  I'm sure there will be tears - I can't even write this sentence without welling up.  But today will also be a day to celebrate.  To celebrate you.  Because you are loved.  You are cherished.  And you will always be remembered.  

Food, family, and fun in the sun

This Thanksgiving we made our annual trek to the land of sun and cactus to cram as much fun into 6 days as possible.  And 8 hours in the car is made a little more enjoyable when you have a brand new DVD player for the car.

Yes, this is pretty much what they looked like for the entire 8 hours.  

Thanksgiving was spent enjoying our precious 1-year old cousin,

Enjoying our furry 8 year-old cousin,

And discovered new ways to carry a ball

We also got to take family pics with our amazing sis-in-love and photographer extraordinaire

Took all the monkeys to the zoo

And had a close encounter with a very sweet baboon

Saturday night we got to go out with Adam and Kristin, our bro and sis-in-love to our first pro basketball game.  It was amazing to watch the spectacle

And managed to snag a rare photo of the four of us

Sunday evening we went out to dinner with Grandma, Grandpa, and Great Grandma.  It was precious for the girls to be able to spend quality time with two grandmas at the same time.  And teaching Grandma the dot game was an added bonus!

We are so blessed, every year, to spend precious time with family.

An unschooling kind of day

LI woke up this morning still battling a migraine that decided to make an appearance yesterday.  The girls graciously let me sleep in, trying to kick the darn thing.  But this mama knew that we probably could do with a change of pace for the day.

And I am so grateful that this view:

is just 30 minutes away from our house.

We loaded up a few snacks and the dog and headed up to enjoy the last of the fall colors.  We found a beautiful little park at the top of the ridge overlooking the valley.  

And so, for art class, we drew the view:

For science, we read the signs along the trail, discussing forest fires and wildlife along the way.

The littles got in a little extra PE:

 

While a certain someone held an impromptu dance class:

We look leaf rubbings, drew pine cones in our nature journals, learned about explorers who blazed trails through our backyard.

Ty thoroughly enjoyed being outside, and did a little investigating of his own:

But mostly we reveled in the majesty of God's creation that He allows us to live in:

My brain is mush

This was my last 24 hours:

10:15 PM - Bid the last of our beautiful home group friends good night.  Load up the car and kids.

10:45 PM - Arrive at my parents' house, get the kids tucked into their beds, set out hunting stuff, go to bed and pretend to sleep.

5:30 AM - Alarm goes off.  Get up, get dressed, pack lunch.

6:15 AM - Leave for hunting spot.

6:45 AM - Unload four-wheelers and head into hunting area.

7:00 AM - Dad gets a flat on his four-wheeler.  Spend 20 minutes trying to fix said flat, to no avail.

7:30 AM - Continue into hunting area with Dad driving on a flat tire.

8:00 AM - 2 PM - Hunting.  Discover that my blasted thermos has developed a leak and lost approximately 3/4 of my coffee on the way in.  Lots of laughs, lots of does, but no bucks to shoot.  This is, however, the view from our blind.  We really suffer for Jesus out there, you know...

                       

2 PM - Head back to truck, praying the entire time for Daddy as he drives his broken four-wheeler.  Sometimes I wonder if my daddy's guardian angels just look at each other, shake their heads, and say, "Here we go again!"

4 PM - Arrive back at parents' ranch, change clothes and pack bags.

4:30 PM - Leave ranch and drive 1 1/2 hours to town in neighboring state for 4th grade playoff football game.

6 PM - Drop Jerome off at the field for warm-ups, take the girls to find coffee for Mommy and dinner for them.

7 PM - Arrive back at game field to eat dinner and cheer on our boys.  And yes, all 21 of them are my boys.

8:30 PM - Hug and comfort our sweet guys after a heartbreaking 6-0 loss, eliminating them from the playoffs.  Find a drive-thru to get dinner for Jerome and a post-game snack for our 3 bottomless pits.

9 PM - Leave Farmington for the hour drive home.

10 PM - Finally get home, get the girls in bed, and find a few minutes to breathe.

I'm actually impressed I got all this down coherently.  But my brain is now shutting down, so it's time for bed for this mommy.