Her Tree

We came to see you today, the girls and I.  We hadn't been back since we planted your tree.   Maybe a part of me kept hoping that if I stayed away, you'd come back.  I'd wake up and find the last two months to have just been a horrible dream.

I miss you, more and more each day.  Each day the reality sets in a little more.  Some days, I can think of you and smile, sweet moments dancing across my mind.  Others are harder.  Much harder.  Like today.  Today, I miss you deeply.  I can't think of you without crying.  Or wishing for one more hug.

And so, we came to see your tree.

It's still small, like you.  Young, full of life, full of potential.  And beautiful.  Just like you.

It will grow quickly, we were told.   It will provide shade, protection for the thousands of children that will play in your favorite park through the years.  

There is beauty and new life beginning at your tree.  A tiny lady bug, just like the hundreds you found as a child.

A swarm of honey bees have discovered the tender, yellow-white blooms that cover your branches.  You would have loved the smell.

Your oldest niece stood with your tree for a long time, rubbing the bark, touching the leaves.  I think she feels closer to you here, as if you're still watching over her.

She misses you, deeply.

As do I.

I stood underneath your branches much longer than I expected to.  I didn't expect it to hurt like it did.  

I'm glad we came to see you today.  I have missed you.

How Do You Say Goodbye?

The girls are bathed and in bed. Tomorrow, they will put on their pretty dresses. At least one will ask for "fancy hair". Jerome will put on his suit and tie, I will wear a bright blue dress and the necklace I gave her last Christmas.

We will pick up the gorgeous floral arrangements that have been delivered in the last 8 days, and head to the church.

Has it really been 8 days?

I will arrange flowers, check with the tech guys, the musicians, our pastor.

I will try to keep myself busy right up to the last minute. I struggle to comprehend what we are truly doing tomorrow, and the tasks are so much easier to deal with than the emotions. The emotions bring tears, and heartache, and loss. And they hurt.

Because how do you say goodbye?

When there are no words

This post just won't come.  I've been trying to type it out, anything out, for two days.  Tonight, I told myself that I just had to do it.  Sit down and make myself.  So I did.  And then, just as I was finishing it up, the %$##@!*&* website decided to not save the post.  So I convinced myself that I didn't really need to write this, that it could wait another day or two.  Or a lifetime.

Sunday, April 28, 2013, at 9:52 AM, my world changed forever.  My 19 year old sister-in-love was gone.  A traumatic accident.  My sister-in-love is dead.  The hardest words I have ever written.  Or said.  Or thought.  But the more I put off writing this, the easier it is to pretend this isn't real.  That I'm not really trying to help coordinate a memorial service or meals.  That I'm not watching my in-laws age instantaneously.  That my husband isn't walking around in a daze.

Daytime is easier.  There are things that need to be done, arrangements that need to be made.  Phone calls.  Emails.  Texts.  If I focus on my list, I don't focus on the pain.

The night is different.  The night, after everyone else is sleeping, is my time to grieve.  To cry, to be mad, to mourn.  The night is when the pain becomes so very, very real.

I have known Celine since she was 2.  I asked her once - she did not remember life before me.  We have butted heads, argued, pestered, cried together, and loved.  She was the best little sister anyone could have ever prayed for.  And my heart aches for her.

I know she is whole now.  No more seizures.  No more pain.  No more tears.  No more heartache.  She is in the arms of Jesus, dancing and laughing, watching all the movies she never got to see and learning just how much her Heavenly Father treasures and adores her.

Tomorrow, there will be more decisions to be made, more papers, more phone calls.  But tonight, I can be by myself and struggle to comprehend this hole in my heart.

I love you, my sweet sister.

Project 365: Week 33

Day 224/365:  The fair

We had a play date with one of Kat's closest friends (my angel in a 2nd graders body).  And it was her birthday.  And the fair was in town.  Seemed only appropriate that a Ferris wheel ride was in order.

Day 225/365:  Big Hiking Girl

12 Kids, 11 adults, 2 miles each way.  Memories to last a lifetime - priceless.

Day 226/365:  Only family...

... will make faces like that.

Day 227/365:  Ice Cream Date

Our family stayed with us for two nights on their way from Denver to Phoenix (moving for PA school).  So what does the indulgent auntie (that's me) do?  ICE CREAM!!!!

Day 228/365: In awe

We treated the girls (and Jerome's sister) to lunch at one of our favorite diners this week.  Crazy place.  Stuff everywhere.  Enough stuff to keep little minds occupied for quite a while.

Day 229/365:  My love

 

His eyes are closed.  I look like I have 14 chins.  But he is, and always will be, my sweetheart.

Day 230/365:  Object lesson

We finished our first two-week unit in school on Friday.  And celebrated by making a cake decorated to look like the world.  It tastes fabulous.  Kat did the continents.  And they can all name them.  All of them.  We have a song.  They sing it in the grocery store.  I laugh.

The River

There is a park in our town that is right next to the river.  Almost every time we go, the girls ask to sit by the river.  We love climbing onto the boulders and just sitting.

There is something so peaceful about the sounds and sights of a river.

Although any trip to the river must involve throwing rocks.

Even the bright sunlight cannot deter my children from the river.

Or a dirty face from lunch.  Because the river does not care if you still have ketchup on your face.

But, mostly, we just sit and watch.

And share a quiet moment together.

Thankful Thursday

This week, I am thankful for:

peaceful moments with my girls

that God never stops teaching us new things

for new friends

and family relationships that can develop into friendships

Family Day

Since Thursday & Friday were spent digging our home out from the snow (more on those adventures later), we decided to make today a fun family day. We headed to Farmington for some needed shopping.


Celine has been staying with us since Mama & Papa are in France. We had gotten her a gift card to Target for Christmas, but it is hard for Celine to get to Farmington to use it. We took the whole herd. Celine was a great shopper, finding some great clothes & movies for herself. She is really fun to shop with. And it was good for us to get some sister bonding time. We don't get much of that with munchkins in tow most of the time.


After Target, we headed to Fuddruckers in the mall for lunch. We thoroughly enjoy each time we get to go to Fudds. Everyone was is such a great mood, I decided to get out my phone on my camera and snap away. I love the antique and black-and-white settings on my camera - it totally changes the mood of the photograph. Here's a few of the big girls:

And some of my favorite baby model.

Aren't the ones of Violet & Daddy just precious? I love capturing their relationship - it is so different than his relationship with the other girls. Could it be that she knows she is the baby? Just a thought...

Has it been a year? And Snow! And NEWSBOYS!!!

I just realized something - it's been a year since I started blogging! So, is that a annilog, or blogiversary? Not sure...

Remember this post? The test? At that point, I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with this whole blogging thing. For the record, I'm still not. But is sure is fun along the way!

Today was our first snow storm. It only left a dusting at our house, but substantial amounts elsewhere in the county. Needless to say, the girls were ready to play the minute they got up. And, by girls, I am of course referring to Katrina and Madison. They were thrilled to the point of giddiness at the thought of playing in the snow. Violet looked at it, with a rather bored expression, then asked where her waffles were.

The girl does have her priorities, you know.

Anyways, Holly, our nanny extraordinaire, sent me photos of their first snow day, and it made my morning. Here she is with my snow bunnies.

Can you say ornery? Because apparently Violet can, using only her nose. Such talent.

Holly said that Madi would have stayed outside all day. Violet had fun for a few minutes, and then was ready to be doted on indoors. Oh well...

Tonight Jerome and I are taking his sister Celine to her first rock concert. We get to see THE NEWSBOYS!!!!! Oh yeah, and a couple of other bands. DID I MENTION THE NEWSBOYS?!?!?!?!?!?! They were one of the first "Christian" bands that Jerome ever played for me, and that I enjoyed. I am beyond excited.

So, what do I want on this auspicious day, you may ask? For passing the one-year mark in blog world? I would like to know who you are. Please leave me a comment letting me know who you are, how you found my blog, and what your favorite post in this last year was. Cause I know my favs, but I would love to hear yours. And, yes, it is time for all you stalkers to come out!

Fair Fun

Those of you living in Durango will be shocked. She is just now posting pictures from the Fair? I know, I know. I'm a slacker. Please forgive me.

Every year, our county has a fair. We are talking down home, cows and pigs, carnival rides, quilts and canned goods kind of fair. I love it. I have loved the fair since I was little. And, we are creating a little herd of fair-lovers of our own.

We visited all the exhibits (my favorite part), but couldn't stay very long because we were "missing" the carnival (the girls' favorite part). Except the bunnies, chickens, turkey, and geese. I think they would have spent all day in that exhibit if we let them. Not that I blame them. I personally think that some of those tuffted roosters are pretty hilarious too.

And, no fair visit would be complete without cotton candy! Here's my herd, enjoying their treat.

Violet wasn't so sure about the cotton candy at first. We actually had to force it into her mouth. I know - what were we thinking? But, she quickly figured out that it tasted FABULOUS! And then, we were done.





So, what do you do with three sugar-buzzed kiddos? Why, send them on rides, of course! Daddy & Aunt Celine had to ride one of the adult-only-puke-your-guts-out rides, so the girls waited patiently. And laughed as Daddy screamed.









I personally cannot ride ANY carnival ride without losing my lunch. Most of the time I can't even watch the rides without getting queasy. So, I became the official photographer. Here is everyone, getting ready to ride the strawberries. Katrina loved it. Madi was all for it, until Aunt CC started spinning the strawberry. Then we had issues. But, she buried her head in Daddy's side and stuck it out. But she didn't want to ride again. Can't say that I blame her.






The big girls had fun riding the jeeps...






... and thought that this nice carnival worker...

... was absolutely hilarious...

... while they were riding the swings.

Even Violet thought he was hilarious.

I'd say that our outing to the fair was successful.

Wanna Play Dress Up?

Katrina has loved to play dress up for years. Mostly, it's been some combination of my shoes and her princess/Hannah Montana/old Halloween costumes. But, recently, we discovered an entire new, unexplored realm of dress up clothes. Aunt Celine's closet!




Celine is... um... rather... petite. So, other than shoe size, the clothes aren't all that huge on Katrina. And, since Celine loves to take photos, and Katrina loves to pose for photos when they're not being taken by Mom, we've found a winning combination!




Here's some of her latest fashion creations:

We call this the camo collection.

Not sure what the hat is all about here.

I LOVE THIS PHOTO! Celine did her hair fancy, and dressed her in the "80's Forever" shirt. Rock it, my daughter. Rock it!

Personally, I think the shoes just make this outfit.

Isn't she the All-American girl?

Here is Celine, wearing a beautiful green shirt.

And now Katrina, wearing the same shirt. See, I told you they were close in size!

This one kind of freaks me out. She looks way too grown up here.

And, can I just mention that I find the head tilt amusing? Especially since many of my childhood photos had that exact same head tilt?

It's also kind of scary that we've moved beyond the princess phase of dress up and into the grown-up phase. I'm not ready for her to be that big.