Changing Seasons

(Spoiler Warning: If you are male, or simply do not appreciate discussions of tubal ligations, breast-feeding, nursing bras, etc., you may not want to read this.)

I've known for a while that I needed to write this post - that it would be good for me. But, like many things that are good for me, I don't exactly enjoy doing them. My heart has been pondering this for some time. I've known it was coming, but I guess in my mind and heart I denied it. I never thought this season would change. Like most people, I don't handle change well. I have friends who LOVE change, who thrive in it, who crave it. I am not one of those people. I like order, I like planning, I like things to stay steady. I don't particularly appreciate God throwing a wrench in my works.

The wrench in my works is represented by our youngest daughter, Violet. I know, you were all thinking it would be Madison. It's not behavior, obviously, that threw me - it's God's timing. Madison we planned for (sort-of). Violet was a surprise. We weren't planning on getting pregnant again for a while. I certainly did not want to be pregnant again so fast (Madi was 6 months old). So, for the first half of the pregnancy, I struggled with all of the questions:

• Can my body handle another pregnancy so soon (I have to have c-sections)?
• Will it be ok that this baby & Madison are so close together?
• How are we going to do this?
• Why?

Please, don't misunderstand me. I loved Violet from the moment I found out about her. But I didn't think I was ready for another one. But, as time progresses, my fears subsided and gave way to all the normal pregnancy jitters and excitement. We decided, because of my body and the complications of repeat c-sections, to have my tubes tied after they delivered Violet. I tried not to think about it. I knew it was the best decision, but that didn't mean that I liked it. But, I pushed it aside.

When she was born, of course, I fell in love all over again. Every time I have given birth, I have been given another small glimpse into the Creator's infinite love for humanity, and I am humbled.

Violet is a joy. She is absolutely a treasure. I fall in love with her all over again every morning. The past year has been an absolute delight, learning about her personality, and beginning to see her Daddy's call for her. But, it has also been a heart-wrenching, saddening journey of motherhood. I never truly understood what older, more experienced mothers meant when they said that motherhood was the most joyful and the hardest experience of your life. You see, I have just realized in the past month that I will never (miracle nonwithstanding) be pregnant again. I have watched 6 dear friends give birth in the last 4 months, and each time my heart has been torn in half. Part of me rejoiced with them, part of me cried that it would not be me. I loved pregnancy, even when I was throwing up every hour. I loved it! And I will never feel a little life growing. I will never watch my belly expand. I will never experience the pains of childbirth (yes, right now, I even miss that).

But, I think what is hardest, is that I will never get to nurse a little one again. You see, Violet weaned herself in October. I was not ready. I think I would have nursed her for much longer if I could have. She loved nursing. It was our special snuggle time. Then, one day, she was done. She was a big girl, in her eyes.

I had to buy a regular bra this weekend while in Phoenix. Not so much fun. To me, it officially signals that I'm done. And I don't want to be. Those of you who still wake up in the middle of the night, or have to stop what you're doing because the baby is hungry, please treasure it. I know that it is hard. I know what it is like to not have your body to yourself. But it is such a gift, and it is one I would take back in a heartbeat. Because, before you know it, it will be over. I would give almost anything to keep all my girls at this age. I'm not ready for them to grow up.

Thank you for listening to my rant. I feel much better. I know they have to grow up. I know I will treasure the next stage they enter. But I treasure where they are right now. And giving this up is more difficult than I imagined.