Smoke and Ash

I realized today that my bloggy friends across the country are having a difficult time getting news of the fires raging through our state.  I wish with all my heart that our sunsets were back to the beauty of Colorado, without the plumes.

Here is a screen shot from http://www.inciweb.org/state/6/, which keeps track of fires across the nation.  This website can give you the most up-to-date information on fire activity, evacuations, and other information.

These are the active, large fires ravaging our state right now.  But literally every day hundreds of small fires are started from lightning and quickly extinguished by our brave firemen.

Please, please, pray for our state.  Tens of thousands of people have been evacuated from their homes, possibly hundreds of homes have been lost.  Hundreds of brave firemen from across the country (including our military fire personnel) are literally standing in the gap.

Where two or more are gathered...

As I type, the surgeons are prepping.  A father, husband, grandpa is slowly falling asleep under the effects of anesthesia.  And a wife waits.


I first met this family through their hilarious blog Once Upon A Miracle.  They speak of truth, love, and family.  And they became friends. 


This family has gone through too much already this year.  They didn't need this.  But, as a friend so appropriately emailed me today:

Praying for you today, Rachel and Bob. 

There Are No Words

You may remember Susana, the precious daughter of missionaries to Haiti, that I wrote about here.  She fought the cancer bravely, and was thought to have entered remission. 


She is not.  They had more tests run yesterday, and the tumors are everywhere, including her brain.  The doctors have said that, without further treatment, she has perhaps months to live. 


Please, my friends, go to her daddy's blog and leave a word of encouragement for this family.  They have sacrificed so much to minister to the children of Haiti. 

Storms

*Note* This is a compilation of my thoughts, writings, meaningful Scriptures, and prayers over the last month.  I am on a journey with God unlike any I have ever experienced.  I don't want to forget, both the good and the bad.  And I struggle to express my heart in spoken conversation.  Somehow, though, the written word flows, and brings me comfort.  Thanks for walking beside me on this journey.*

I don't like storms.  Storms make me nervous.  Being around insurance most of my life, I have seen the destructive nature of, well, nature.  Every time I see the clouds building,

I get nervous.  And scared.  And I try to avoid the storm. 

"The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, A refuge in times of trouble.

And those who know Your name will put their trust in You.  For You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You (Psalm 9:9-10)."

Honestly, I feel like my life has been flipped upside down in the last month.  On the outside, everything is great.  The girls are wonderful, Jerome's business is starting to take off, work is going well.  On the outside, everything is beautiful and calm.  Inside, there is a storm like none I have ever seen.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust (Psalm 91:1-2).'"

Last month I wrote about my experience with my girlfriends, when so much broke in my heart and mind.  This past month has been hard, incredibly hard.  Probably the hardest thing I have faced in my life.  God's word has jumped off the page, for sure, ministering to my heart and reducing me to tears.  But I have also realized just how far I have to go, and I don't know if I have the strength to fight.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28)."

Being vulnerable is not something that comes naturally to me.  Being open, honest with people about my heart, my hurts, my failures is akin to torture in my world.  It is much easier, much more "normal", to put on my happy face and never let anyone see the pain. 

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17).

It seemed so much easier to be numb, to let myself drop back into the depression.  My heart hurts.  It seems like everywhere I turn, Satan is hitting me on the head with something - discouragement, failure, fear, judgement, shame.  In my head I know they are lies.  But in my heart?  I'm not so sure.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:7)."

I just want to be normal, whatever that is.  I want to go to bed in peace.  I want to get up in the morning with joy.  I don't remember the last time true joy permeated my life on a daily basis.  How sad is that?

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in the secret places so that you may know that I am the Lord, your God (Is 45:3)."

I feel like the woman at the well, or the woman caught in adultery.  I feel like I have been caught in my shame.  And I'm not even sure if I did anything wrong, but I still feel shame.  I struggle to look my Savior in the face.

"But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation (Col 1:22)."

Lord, Daddy, I NEED to know I can run to You.  I NEED to know You will protect me, cover me, hide me.  I NEED You to be my refuge, my fortress, my oasis.  My heart and mind NEED Your protection.  I feel like I am in the midst of a washing machine - getting thrown everywhere but not really going anywhere.  I NEED to know this is leading me somewhere.  I NEED to know this plan will work out for good.  I NEED to know I will be ok.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nether height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom 8: 35, 38-39)."

I love you Lord.  I really do.  Help me to trust You to heal these wounds.  I have so many.  Most days the sheer number overwhelms me.  But I know You can do it.  Help me trust that You will.

"You, Lord, give true peace.  You give peace to those who depend on you.  You give peace to those who trust You.  So, trust the Lord always.  Trust the Lord because He is our Rock forever (Is 26:3-4)."

All I want is to be normal.  To be ok.  To not hurt all the time.  To not feel like I have to hide the pain.  To feel joy.  To feel hope.  To know love.  To live with peace.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God (1 John 3:1)."

I am free.

I am pure.

I am holy.

I am beloved.

I am chosen.

I am loved.

I am cherished.

I am guiltless.

I am shameless.

I am clean.

I am forgiven.

I am a daughter of the King of Kings.

I am precious in His sight.

I am a friend of the Lord of Lords.

I am a princess.

I am bought and paid for.

I am strong.

"But I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble (Ps 59:16)."

There have been times, honestly, in the last month that I have doubted my sanity, doubted my salvation, doubted everything I have known. 

 "But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. (Gal 5:22-23)."

I know that, someday, I will be able to see this time from the other side.  From the side of healed.  I yearn for that day, just as I yearn for that first ray of sunshine after a storm.

"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:14-16)."

Because I don't want to forget

*Disclaimer*  This post is long.  Really long.  Starting to turn into mental diarrhea kind of long.  Feel free to click the little red x if your eyes go buggy, or you realize you don't have 5 hours. 




Most of the time, my blog is filled with the insanity, fun, and chaos that is my life.  With our girls, nothing is ever dull.  If I can brighten someone's day and make them laugh, then I am content. 


But, for me, this blog also serves a deeper, more personal purpose.  It serves as a journal, a reminder of sorts.  I am not much of one for keeping a pen and paper journal.  Never have been.  But, I don't want my girls to look back on my life and wonder who I was, wonder what my walk with God was like.  I want them to know what I was like before I met my Savior, and who He is creating in me.  And I don't trust my memory to be able to recall all the stories of my journey with God.  This is why I blog, to create reminders for myself of all that God has brought me through, and where He is taking me.


This has been one of those weeks.  I know I have been quiet lately.  Honestly, I have been so overwhelmed, I just couldn't write.  Emotions and thoughts have created a jumbled mess in my head, and sorting them into a cohesive sentence just seemed impossible.  Jerome even asked me if I was going to blog about what was going on, because he knows writing is my therapy.  I had to tell him that I couldn't.  The words just wouldn't form.  And I couldn't simply post funny thoughts of my girls - that would be denying and hiding what was going on in me.  It was easier to just be silent.


My life, much like yours, I'm sure, has had its fair share of pain.  Memories from my childhood and adolescence are mostly painful.  Even as I am trying to type this, my fight-or-flight is kicking in and trying to get me to check my FB, my email, look at the news - anything but this.  I have been working on this post for three days.  I keep trying to run, only to come back and know I need to write it.


Early on, I learned to be a perfectionist.  If you didn't cause trouble, and were good, then the bad stuff didn't happen to you, and no one would see you.  I learned to tell people what they wanted to hear, rather than the truth, because sometimes they didn't believe the truth.  I learned to always be busy, always doing something.  If you kept yourself busy you didn't have time to hear your heart crying in loneliness and pain.  I learned that no one cared about your struggles, no one cared about your pain.  Someone always has it worse than you, so stop your whining before you get something to whine about.


In middle and high school, I learned that being smart was a curse.  Being pretty was worse.  Being both was horrible.  I learned that men were not to be trusted, and that women were spiteful and mean.  That left me with no one.


And, if I may be completely honest, it didn't get much better after I met Jesus.  I just carried all of my dysfunctions into this relationship too.  I didn't want to be one of those "needy" Christians, the ones who suck the life out of everyone.  And so I pretended like my past did not matter.  That it didn't hurt.  I said that Jesus healed me, but in reality I had simply shoved the pain deep in the recesses of my heart and mind so I wouldn't feel it, wouldn't have to deal with it.  I didn't want to let Jesus deal with it either. 


I could not stand before my Savior without a sense of overwhelming guilt and shame that made me want to run and hide.  And so I did.  I read my Bible because I was supposed to, but it wasn't a love letter to me.  It was a list of every way in which I was a failure.  I went to church, but scurried around in a frenzy to do things to please Him.  Because, maybe, if I did enough, someday He would forgive me.  Today was never the day to seek healing.  Tomorrow.  Someday.  But never today.


I have been blessed to be a part of a bible study/book club with a wonderful group of girlfriends.  Each month, we meet and discuss our book, but mostly our lives.  Last Monday, we were discussing Forgotten God by Francis Chan, about the Holy Spirit's ministry and movement in our lives.  It is an incredible book, by the way.  One I hope to reread every few months, just to keep reminding myself. 


I love and hate going to this book club.  I love it because of the precious friends I have, and getting to spend time with them is so wonderful for me.  I hated it because I had to work so hard at hiding the pain and numbness that was my constant companion. If these women saw and knew the deep pain, hurt, and shame, they would turn and run.  Or at least that is what I thought. 


I don't remember saying a single word during the entire discussion time.  Not a word.  I was listening, and "hmm"ing the other ladies' thoughts, but did not share.  All of a sudden, my dear friend asked each of us to share a moment where the Holy Spirit had led us in ministry.  And something inside of me broke.


I couldnt' lie.  I had to look my friends in the eye and tell them that I had no idea.  That I wasn't sure my "ministry" choices had ever been led by the Spirit.  That I was the terrified daughter, scurrying around to keep busy and make Daddy happy so He wouldn't yell at me.  That the only relationship I had ever truly craved would never be mine.


And then God moved.


My friends began to pray for me, over me, with me.  For the first time I can remember, I could see the love in my Daddy's eyes.  They prayed words of wisdom, encouragement, and love over me.  I realized I had blamed myself and refused to forgive myself for things that were never my fault.  I wept that night.  I don't remember when I had ever cried that hard. 


This past week has been exhausting.  It is much easier to let myself slip back into the numbness rather than feel the pain and deal with it.  A lot of memories, pain, and situations from my past have been brought to mind.  I have the choice to shove them back down and be numb or allow Daddy to remove the arrow.  Honestly, it hurts to seek healing.  It means letting the wound get cleaned out.  It means there are scars, and scabs.  But I can't go the rest of my life wounded and crippled and numb.  Not anymore.


I want to feel.  I want to truly live.  I want to know God's touch, His presence, have words from His Love Letter jump off the page and into my heart.  I want to be free.

Thankful Thursday... Overwhelmed

Disclaimer: Honestly, this post is more for me than anything.  I have so much in my mind that I just need to get out, to process.  It will probably be really long.  Feel free to click the little red x any time.



I don't even really know how to write this.  Usually, Thursdays are devoted to thankfulness, reminders of all we have in this world to be grateful for.  Today, my heart is overflowing to the point where I know I need to write, to get some of it out (my cheap therapy - welcome to the ride), but I don't even know where to start.


It has been an interesting past few years, to say the least.  Giving up a steady paycheck four years ago to pursue the gifting God has given my hubby has been a test of faith, to say the least.  Realizing that, in order to make ends meet while he built his business, I needed to go back to work was heart-wrenching. 

This last year has been really hard.  We have seen deal after deal fall through - financing during a recession just plain sucks.  He has lost clients & deals because he refuses to compromise.  We fell really far behind.  I never thought it would come to this.  There have been many evenings spent in tears, asking God if we were still on the right path, if we were still really following His will.  And, every time, the next day Jerome would have a new prospect, or a new listing.  God kept bringing people into our path that we knew would, someday, result in a sale.  And so we trusted. 



During all of this, God has been doing some major renovation to my heart.  I have been a perfectionist as long as I can remember.  I struggled and yearned for the affirmation of other people.  It is much easier to believe that God will heal, provide, and protect other people, not me.  I struggle to trust Him in even the little things, believing the lies that I am not worthy of this trust.  Fighting this battle in my heart and in my mind while putting on the mask I thought I had to wear was exhausting.  I could not let people see my struggles.  People turned to us, asked for our help.  We have been leaders in our church!  I shouldn't be still fighting this battle.  Shame and pride kept my heart locked up, held me captive to my fears.  If people only knew just how bad it was, in our home and in my heart, they would run.  We would overwhelm them.  Everyone else had their own struggles - we just needed to suck it up and deal.  We didn't want to be those people - the ones who suck the life out of others. 


But God and I have been having a lot of chats lately.  About my loneliness, about how I keep people at arm's length by refusing to open up to them.  About how the deep, intimate relationships I crave more than anything are hindered by my refusal to let them see my humanness, my imperfections.  About how I plead with Him to help us, to show me that He cares enough about me to answer my prayers, but wallow in unbelief that He will actually come through for me.


This week, I forced myself to open up to some dear friends.  To lay it all out.  Everything.  I puked on them (not literally). It was liberating to be able to say, "Do you really want to know exactly how I am doing?" - to be able to tell someone everything.  And I did.  And the love I felt afterwards was overwhelming.  These friends did not reject me, did not point out my faults, my sins.  They loved me.  They spoke words of encouragement that blessed me beyond anything. 


And then something incredible happened.  God prompted some people in our lives to bless us in a real, tangible way.  Sorry if that was a vague description, but I know they would want me to honor their privacy.  It was as if God was whispering in my ear, "See?  You asked Me for this.  Specifically.  And while you struggled to believe that I would do it, you still asked, holding onto that tiny bit of faith.  And I moved their hearts to show you just how much I love you."


That is why I am overwhelmed, because my heart is overflowing.  I have felt the freedom that comes with being truly real with someone.  I have seen the grace and love that comes with true friendship.  I have seen God move on my behalf.  This week has been overwhelming, and I am so thankful for it.


Thanks for letting me puke.  I need to go get some paper towels now.

Thankful Thursday

The house is quiet.  All the girls are asleep.  I am curled up on the couch, coffee in hand.  I have a rare weekday at home because Katrina is home from school, not feeling well. 

We snuggled all morning on the couch, watching cartoons and watching little sisters.  Both were entertaining. 

Yes, honey, I promise to have it cleaned up by the time you get home.

This week has challenged my attitude.  Two friend, both in their first trimester of pregnancy, have miscarried this week.  My heart hurts.  Now you understand why I wrote this post.  It has been a really hard week, but a really good week, all at the same time.  I have seen God comfort and heal hearts in ways I honestly did not think possible.  I have seen a family of choice rally around these couples to love and minister in any way possible.  It has been an encouraging week.

I am thankful that I get to be indoors today (the allergens & wind in the air today are horrendous).

I am thankful that beautiful reminders of spring are literally popping up all over our property.

I am thankful for Ga*orade.  So good for hurting tummies (and jealous little sisters).

I am thankful for the way this one makes me smile every day.

I am thankful for the beautiful bonds of sisterhood developing in our home.

It gives me hope during the cat fights!

I am thankful that this young man was found safe!  We received a frantic phone call from a friend in Atlanta Tuesday morning.  One of her coworkers is a cousin of Jason.   The family asked us, being in CO, to pass along the information about his disappearance to everyone we knew.  We forwarded the information to every CO agency in our company, put the information on FB, everything we could think of.  I spoke with the young mans older brother, Jon, Tuesday afternoon, because we were contacted by a paper in Fort Collins.  They wanted to get the information out, but didn't want to breach the family's privacy.  He was so worried, so scared.  You could tell he was dreading the worst.  Jason is hurting, and it sounds like there is healing that needs to happen, but he is alive.  He is ok.

God is good.  What are you thankful for today?

Update on little Susana - Please pray

Cody & Maria just posted an update on their daughter Susana here.  Please continue praying for them.  The diagnosis is not good.  They have found tumors everywhere, and it is officially Neuroblastoma, and aggressive.  I know that if it were me, I would covet all the prayers I could get.  Please, go to their site & leave even a small note letting them know you are praying.  Thanks, friends. 

Urgent Prayer Request - Please!

Two full-time missionaries in Haiti, Cody and Maria Whittaker, are facing a grave situation with their 3-year-old daughter Susana.  She was flown to Miami Children's because they thought she had contracted malaria.  Turns out, they found a malignant mass in her stomach.  They are doing further tests today to determine where they go from here.  You can visit their website here to leave them a word of encouragement or get updates.


Thank you so much for praying. 

Update on Katrina

Well, no news is ... no news.



Katrina first complained of a stomach ache on Monday, February 1st. She kept complaining, and it seemed to get worse as the week progressed. On Thursday, February 4th, I took her to the ER. They couldn't find anything wrong (not that they really tried all that hard), so they told me to go to her regular pediatrician.



We went to her pediatrician that afternoon. He basically looked at me like I was nuts. But, he told me that her urine sample they took at the ER was going to get cultured to see if it was a UTI.



You might remember the vindication I felt that Saturday when our pediatrician called and told us that she did, in fact, have a UTI. We ordered the antibiotics and assumed she would feel better.


She did feel better, for a couple of days. From about Monday, February 8 through Thursday, February 11. Then it started again.


This weekend she felt miserable. The pain comes and goes in waves, alternating between a dull ache and a monstrous roar. There are times she can function, play with her sisters, engage with us. And there are times when she wants nothing to do with the world. Where every motion hurts. Where she screams and cries in pain. Where she cannot even move on her own.


We went back in to the pediatrician on Monday, seeing one of the female docs. We assumed that the UTI was back. They took another urine sample, and sent it away to be cultured. In the meantime, they gave us a medicine to, essentially, numb her bladder.


That did not work. The pain remained, and, in fact, has gotten worse. The pediatrician called on Wednesday to report that the urine culture was negative, that there was no UTI. So, back to the drawing board.


The pain was so bad yesterday that, as hard as she tried, she simply could not handle being at school. We went again to the doc in the afternoon. A different doc.


And then, we figured out part of it. There was no positive UTI test. Ever. Our regular pediatrician, the one we saw back on the 8th, had misread her chart. He was looking at the test results from a UTI she had back in 2007. All three urine tests they have taken this month were negative. He gave her antibiotics for no reason. And left us with pain for 2 1/2 weeks.


Grr...


Katrina was in a lot of pain last night, and was honest with the doctor about that pain. I was proud of her for her honesty. I see a lot of myself in her. She wants so desperately to please people that she tries to hold back when she hurts. She didn't want to miss school, so she would try to deal with it without saying anything to her teacher, and then come home and collapse. We had a breakthrough together last night about honesty. That it is OK to hurt. It's OK to tell people you hurt. That you don't have to be tough, or a trooper, to make someone proud. Amazing how God teaches us lessons through our children.


The doc last night wanted to run a complete blood panel, just to see if something weird showed up. The wonderful nurses at the office tried their hardest to get the vein to work. She has tiny veins, of course, and the one they tried kept rolling. They dug around for about a minute before they gave up. Katrina was so strong. She was crying, but kept her arm so strong that they didn't even have to hold her arm down. They were so impressed.


When we decided that this was not going to work, they sent us to Mercy to get it drawn there. When we got to the lab, I told them what happened at our doctor's office, so they immediately called down one of the pediatric nurses to do the draw.


This woman earns my sainthood metal of the year award. You could tell she was nervous about having to stick a little kid, but she was so patient and loving with Katrina. She got the needle in her other arm great, first shot, but then the blood wasn't flowing. They took as much as they could, then asked one of the techs if it was enough.


Nope. Not even close.


So, we had to stick her again. This time in her wrist. And, praise God, the blood flowed great. They got enough blood for all the panels. Katrina, the love bug that she is, gave each and every one of them a hug and told them thank you. Even after getting stuck three times with a painful needle, she shows love and forgiveness. I know some adults who could use this lesson!


This afternoon, the doc called. And, we are back to the "no news is no news". There was nothing abnormal in her blood. Absolutely nothing that could raise concern. The doc, honestly, has no clue what it could be. We have some ideas, but no concrete clues. And her pain is getting worse by the day. She was at the nurse's office three times in pain today. She would lay down, wait for the pain to get bearable, and then go back to class. But she wanted to go to art class so badly that she refused to go home. How many times did I do that to my mom & dad.


Our next step is an ultrasound, which we have scheduled for 8 AM tomorrow morning. If that doesn't show us what is wrong, I honestly have no idea what we will do. I just want her better. I want to look into my daughter's eyes and not see the deep hurt. The exhaustion. The frustration. I want to see her play, eat, laugh, run around, have fun.


We are going to spend the rest of the day resting. Hopefully, she will feel well enough to go to the Daddy Daughter Dance tomorrow night at church. She has been looking forward to it for months.


So, that is where we are at. I wish I knew more. I wish I was the one in pain, instead of her. But I am grateful for her strength, for her confidence in God's healing touch. I will let you know when I know something. Thank you for praying.

Jerome is in love...

... and I'm ok with that. He's in Palomas, ministering to the children in the orphanage and the community. He just texted me a photo of the fiesta they are having today.

They served a meal to over 400 people, and saw about 25 people accept Christ today. It was such a blessing to see people from all over our community come together to minister to this town.

Last night they ate dinner with the kids in the orphanage. This is Carlos. He is one of the boys our home group put together a Christmas package for. Jerome is realizing that he's not in as good of shape as he thought. These kids are running circles around him!

This is our good buddy Ryan, the one who convinced Jerome to go. The little girl in his arms is Wendy. Wendy is about 4, and is just a sweetheart. Apparently the guys had to take turns holding her last night, as their arms got tired. She just wanted to be held. That's how many of the girls are - they crave the physical touch of love. They will sit for hours in your lap, just cuddling. The boys, they want to wrestle, play soccer, run around with you. The girls, they want to be held.

Please continue to pray for the team. Ryan, Jonathan, and Jerome are driving back tomorrow morning. The Mongdragon family is catching a ride to Juarez, where they are picking up another car, then driving home.

And, yes, it is snowing.

Thankful Thursday...Alternately Titled Pbthhht On You Satan!

I should have known. I should have been prepared. But I wasn't. And here I am.


About a month ago, Jerome finally said yes to a friend of ours. This friend drives to Palomas, Mexico multiple times a year to minister to children in an orphanage there. Yes, this is the same Palomas where the mayor was murdered a few months ago by the drug lords. Yes, this is the same Palomas where the dentist was kidnapped just a few weeks ago. This friend has pestered Jerome every time, and every time we have had something going on that would not allow Jerome to go. Not this time.


Our amazing home group put together gift bags for four of the boys in this town. Two of the boys are 11, one is 8, and one is 6. When the director of the orphanage emailed us photos, I fell in love. You can't help it, they have the sweetest, smiliest faces.


There are two alternatives for the children in Palomas. Choice #1 is to live under the protection of the orphanage & school. Choice #2 is to be kidnapped by the drug lords who are attempting to literally take over this border town. They steal children, then force them to be drug mules or prostitutes. Words cannot express how my heart wrenched when I heard that.


Jerome is on his way, today, right now, as I type, to minister to these children. Multiple churches from mutiple states are converging on the tiny town .They are taking presents for each child in the orphanage, presents for some of the children who live in the town, and food for the orphanage to replenish their stock. They are going to have a "Christmas Dinner" (aka hot dogs) with the children tomorrow, and basically just play with the kids.


The Christmas presents they are taking don't seem like much by American standards - an outfit, new socks and underwear, a pair of shoes, school supplies, and a small toy. But, to these children, it means everything. They have no Christmas, other than what is supplied by the generosity of strangers.


So what, you may ask, should I have been prepared for? Weren't we prepared for this trip?


Physically, yes. Spiritually, no way!


I know how much Satan hates the orphan. How Satan hates when the orphan is loved and cared for. I know how much Satan hates Christians who listen to God's call, and obey. That Satan will do whatever he can to discourage God's people from following His will.


I should have expected it.


I should have expected the attack. But I didn't. I wasn't prepared.


This week has been a basket case in our house. Finances, health, emotions, plans, everything went haywire. And it took me until this morning, during a conversation with my amazingly wise and wonderful mom-in-love, to realize what was really going on.


What in the world does all this have to do with Thankful Thursday, you may ask? Yesterday, I spent all day trying to write something for Thankful Thursday. And I couldn't. You may or may not know, but I have struggled with depression on and off since middle school. Sometimes it's not even there. Sometimes it overwhelmes me. And the past two weeks have not been good. God promised me a while ago, through a prophetic word, that He was going to heal me of this. But it hasn't been instant. It's been a "crock pot" healing, as our pastor's wife likes to call it. And, at times, in the midst of my humanity, I allow Satan's whisper to enter my mind. To doubt that this healing is for me. To doubt that my Savior will take care of me.


But, that whisper, along with everything else that has happened this week, is just smoke and mirrors. A distraction from the truth, the reality.


And, today, I am so grateful for the ability to discern between the truth and the lies, to be able to stand on the truth, to again feel the cloud lifting.


The reality is that what Jerome is going to do this weekend in huge in God's kingdom. While it may not seem like much to us, it will have eternal echos. He just called me from the Wal-Mart in Demming, NM. That's a new one! Anyways, they are buying groceries, toiletries, and soccer balls for the kiddos. Then, in a few hours, they will be crossing the border.


Please be in prayer for them. Palomas is so close, yet a world away. And it would be so easy to listen to Satan's whispers, to allow myself to enter the realm of fear. But I can't, and I won't. I have little ones who need me to be strong for them. And I need to be strong for myself. Thankfully, our weekend is really busy, so it will be hard to have downtime just to think.


But, this is why, today, I am thankful to be able to say "Pbthhht on you Satan!"

Thankful Thursday...on Friday

I have come to treasure my daily devotionals from Crosswalk. I learn so much, and it is usually just what I needed to hear on that day. And, with the holidays just around the corner, it was again just what I needed to hear. Enjoy, and may it touch you as it inspired me.


Give Thanks
Mary Southerland


Today's Truth
"No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." (NLT)


Friend To Friend

The fourth-grader rose from his desk and walked slowly to the front of the classroom to deliver a report concerning the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday. With Thanksgiving just days away, the classroom was buzzing with excitement. The teacher shared the eagerness of her students and felt that she had done an adequate job of encouraging each child to focus on the true meaning of the holiday. Those hopes were soundly dashed against the words of the young speaker.
"The pilgrims came here seeking freedom of ... you know what. When they landed, they gave thanks to ... you know who. Because of these brave people, we can celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday and our freedom to worship every Sunday ... you know where."

We laugh at the thought of leaving God's name out of this childish writing but, in fact, many of us are just as guilty of leaving Him out of our daily walk - especially when it comes to giving thanks. While Thanksgiving does remind us to stop and give thanks, Thanksgiving is not just a national holiday to be celebrated for a few hours each November. Learning to live in the gear of perpetual thanksgiving is a life changing discipline. Giving thanks should be a natural characteristic and innate practice of every believer. It is thanking God for all that He has done as well as for all He is presently doing and going to do in the future. Thanksgiving heightens our awareness of His presence and thrives on an active, living faith - a faith that is not ashamed to boldly act or afraid to speak out even in the face of doubt.

The book of James tells us, "When you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the sin" (NLT).

Learning to be thankful - even when we cannot see, hear or understand what God is doing or how He is working - is authentic thanksgiving and the direct result of a living, active and personal faith in God. We often say that we need more faith in order to be more thankful. I don't think so! We operate in faith every single day. We flip a switch believing in faith that light will appear. We turn a key believing in faith that a car will start. We even go to a doctor we hardly know who scribbles an impossible - to - read prescription which we promptly take to a pharmacist we have never seen. This unknown druggist proceeds to fill the prescription, giving us a medicine with a name we cannot even pronounce. And we take it - all in blind faith! Amazing!

I believe that instead of pleading for more faith, we need to exercise the faith we already possess. As we continually step out in faith, not only will that faith grow stronger, but we will begin to trust God more, naturally developing an attitude of thanks. Faith does not believe that God can or will act. Faith believes that God is answering as we pray. And that truth, my friend, will send us to our knees in praise and thanksgiving.

Don't leave God out of your Thanksgiving celebration. Instead, realize that He is the very reason you can experience abundant and eternal life. Do not let the day pass without finding a few moments to be alone, thanking Him for His magnificent bounty in our hearts and in our lives.


Let's Pray

Father, my faith seems so small and weak. I confess that I have allowed fear to invade my heart and mind. Right now, I choose against that fear and step out in faith, thanking You for what You have done in my life, for what You are going to do today and in every tomorrow of my life. Make me aware of Your presence today and give me the courage to share with others what You have done for me.
In Jesus' name, Amen.


Now it's Your Turn

Examine your life for evidences of faith at work.
Would you consider your heart attitude to be one of praise and thanks? Why? Why not?
What changes do you need to make in order to cultivate a thankful heart?
What is the importance of thanksgiving as it relates to faith?

Heavy Heart

Life has seemed so good for us lately. Jerome and I have reached a new, great level in our relationship. The girls, while still a challenge, daily bring joy and laughter to our home. Our families are doing well. Business is going great. And yet, my heart is hurting for families around us. So many things have happened recently. Things that are the "shouldn't happen to good people" type of things. And it is so hard to see. Our hearts have been heavy, our burden to pray great. I would humbly ask your permission to share a few of their stories, so that you can join us in prayer. Each of these families is truly a treasure, giving so much to our lives. It hurts to see them hurt. Please take some time to pray for these families.



The wife of one of Jerome's co-workers was just diagnosed with breast cancer. They are doing a PET scan today to see whether or not it has spread beyond the breasts, because previous tests have said both yes and no. She is undergoing a full round of chemo, and then will have a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery in December. To top it off, their beautiful baby girl, born in December, was just diagnosed with hip dysplasia. She has just been fitted with casts that she will wear until her hips heal correctly.



The husband of one of Jerome's co-workers had a tragic ATV accident this weekend. He was driving, and the vehicle rolled, crushing his hand underneath. They flew him to Denver because his hand was severed. The surgery to reattach his hand was unsuccessful, and they are amputating the hand today.



One of the matriarchs of our church had a heart attack this week. I spoke with one of her (many) daughters today, and she is in intensive care at our local hospital. I have known this woman literally as long as I can remember, and she is probably the last woman I would expect to fall ill. I just saw her on Sunday, gave her a big hug, and got caught up on all her extended family's gossip. She is one of the most active, caring women I have ever met. Needless to say, her family is in shock, and deeply saddened.



The last situation I can barely describe without tears. The mother of one of Katrina's dear friends is deathly ill. In July, at seven and a half months pregnant, she was diagnosed with stomach cancer. They delivered the beautiful baby girl early so that they could begin treatments on the mom. There have been numerous complications, and while the baby is healthy, Mom is not. She is extremely dehydrated. On Sunday, the fluids (blocked from hydrating her due to the cancer) backed up into her lungs, causing it to collapse. The surgery to repair her lung has left her on a ventilator and in extreme pain. She is sedated, and will probably not be awakened from this. They are going to take her off of the blood pressure medication this morning. The doctors are anticipating that she will probably be with Jesus by this evening.



We got to see her husband and Katrina's friend at a birthday party a few weeks ago. He was exhausted, but hopeful. He said that she is a fighter, that this battle has only strengthened her faith in God. He has been taking care of a newborn and a six year old, working a full time job to support his family, and spending as much time at the hospital with his beautiful wife as possible. He has extended family surrounding him, but still, his burden is great.



My heart hurts. I saw this beautiful, strong woman not days before she was flown to Denver in July. They had no idea anything was wrong. She was just looking forward to being able to reach her toes again. And, now,unless there is a true miracle, her children will be without a mother by the end of the day. How do you explain death to a six-year-old?



I know full well that I will most likely have to sit down with my baby tomorrow night and try to help her understand why her dear little friend's mommy went to be with Jesus. Katrina is so sensitive - she cried when we told her Nevaeh's mommy was sick, she cried for joy when the baby was born healthy, she cried the first time we saw them back in Durango. I know she will cry tomorrow. So will I. How do you help a six-year-old understand?



Thank you for letting me pour my heart. It is heavy, and it hurts. I don't understand why all this is happening, right now. But I know my God is great. I know my God is good. I know my God is the Ultimate Healer, the Ultimate Physician. And that, above all else, is where we MUST place our trust.

Thankful Thursday: God is Faithful

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight" (NIV).


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" (Genesis 50:20, NIV).


I SURRENDER ALL
Words by: J.W. Van Deventer and Music by: W.S. Weeden
All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Thee,
my blessed Savior
I surrender all

All to Jesus I surrender
Humbly at His feet I bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, take me now

All to Jesus, I surrender
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine
Let me feel the Holy Spirit
Truly know that Thou art mine

All to Jesus, I surrender
Lord, I give myself to Thee
Fill me with Thy love and power
Let Thy blessing fall on me

All to Jesus I surrender
Now I feel the sacred flame
O the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory, to His Name!



* Just a couple of thoughts I've been pondering lately.

Thankful Thursday...overwhelmed by grace

This morning, as I was driving into town for work, I was simply overwhelmed. It was quiet in the car. Madison and Violet were at home with the nanny. Katrina was on her way to Gametime with Daddy. I was by myself. This doesn't happen often. And normally, when it does, I can find things to distract me, rather than simply being with my Father.

Today, I couldn't help but be in His Presence. So many of our friends and family are going through really difficult situations right now. People I dearly love are hurting physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Just this week a young man I've known since he was little died suddenly in his sleep. He was only 16. The pain in people's lives, in our lives, sometimes overwhelms me. I physically hurt. I cry out to Daddy and ask why. Why are all these people hurting? Why are so many good people in such horrible situations right now? I know these things will happen, I know we live in a fallen world. But it just seems so prevalent right now - the pain and heartache never take a break lately. I don't understand why.

But then, this morning in the car, on the way to work, in the middle of rush hour traffic, He said, "My grace is sufficient for you." His grace is sufficient. That grace, that saves me from what I deserve, is sufficient. I am not meant to understand all the whys. Like a child, my Daddy will not always answer all my whys. But His grace is sufficient. His grace is sufficient for me. His grace is sufficient for the weak, the weary, the downtrodden, the attacked, the depressed, the lonely, the proud, the haughty, the poor, the rich, the everything-in-between. HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!

The tears streamed down my face. I must have looked ridiculous to the construction workers, but I didn't care. My God had spoken to my heart. And I knew that I was worth it. Thank you Jesus, for being willing to be sufficient. For being willing to die for me, so that I may live fully in You. I am so grateful to my God, that He will be sufficient. We may not know all the whys, but we do know the how. GOD!

YIPPEE!!! YIPPEE!!! YIPPEE!!! WOOHOO JESUS!!!

J has been working with this couple to find a secondary home in Durango for a few months. He's taken them to quite a few properties and had fun getting to know them. They decided to put offers in on two houses, work through the negotiation process, and see which one they were able to get the better deal on.

One house is listed at $499,000, and they submitted an offer for $439,000 (reasonable). The other house is listed at $750,000, and the people wanted to submit an offer for $439,000 (ridiculous). J knew that this was really low, that the sellers would be insulted by it and not take them seriously. So he told his clients that. They still insisted upon submitting the offer, so J did it.

Well, in emailing back and forth with the selling agent, J mentioned that he was almost embarrassed to submit this offer, that he knew it was too low. Somehow, this email got attached to some documents that J emailed to his clients. Well, they saw the email and, understandably, got very upset. They emailed J that they were very disappointed in him, that he was not representing their best interests. They told him they were terminating their relationship with him and were going to find another realtor to complete the deal.

We were pretty upset. J knew he had screwed up and made a huge mistake. He emailed them and left messages on their voicemail telling them as much. He told them that he understood why they were going to go with someone else, that he had violated their trust, however unintentional, and that he wished them the best. We thought we had lost both the deal and the clients. A costly mistake. This all happened on Monday. When I emailed our small group the week's prayer requests that same day, I asked them to pray for our finances without going into specifics. The wound was just too fresh to talk about.

Since J told me, I had been praying for these clients. I really felt like there was something spiritual going on. So, I've been praying for this deal. Well, honestly, I don't know how much faith I had that God would turn this deal around. I was also praying for these people, but I was praying that He would bring a deal to replace it. I didn't even tell J I was praying for the deal to come back to us because it seemed like such a long shot to me.





But...










God works the night shift!

Well, J got an email from this couple today. They told him that they forgave him. That they understood that he was expressing his personal feelings towards a colleague. That they appreciated all the time and energy that he had put into helping them. That this incident was not a reflection of who they believed J to be. And that they didn't want to see the commission from this sale to go to anyone but him!!!

So not only have these sweet people forgiven J (so cool), but they have retained his services and are continuing to negotiate a deal. We have learned a lot this week. J has learned NOT to put ANYTHING in an email that he doesn't want to become public knowledge. He has learned that integrity is admitting when we have screwed up. We have learned to forgive each other, forgive ourselves, and move on. I have seen God answer a prayer that I wasn't sure I had the faith to pray. And we have seen that when our friends pray in the Spirit, given a situation but not the details, that God WILL show up!

Friend, I have struggled with faith since I accepted Christ. Struggled to believe that the Lord of the Universe cared enough about little old, sin-filled me to answer my prayers. That when I prayed something for myself, God would answer. I cannot doubt that any longer.

I have seen checks come in the mail exactly when we needed it. I have seen friends tell me something that only God knew I needed to hear. I have seen my God show up on my behalf.

I have always read the verse about the mustard seed and moving the mountain, and understood what that felt like. Usually I feel like my faith is about as big as a mustard seed. And when the mountains don't move, I get discouraged. What I am now realizing, however, is that if the mountain doesn't move, it isn't that God doesn't love me. It's that He wants to meet me at the top of the mountain.

When you pray, and God says no, it isn't that He doesn't love you. It's that He has something better planned than what you asked. It takes faith to wait for that "better". But it's worth it. Believe me, it's worth it!

Thankful Thursday...Answered Prayers

It's been a few weeks since I've been able to do a Thankful Thursday post. Between work & life, I've barely had time to keep the house clean, let alone keep up on the blogging. I will get caught up on the posts though, I promise. I have some fabulous ideas running around in my head that must get out (they're giving me a headache).

I think I relate to Peter the most out of all the disciples, for a few reasons. I've been known to share my opinion without thinking about it first, my family is considered to be rednecks, I get a great idea and try to run with it without thinking it through first. But the way I feel I can most relate to Peter is the issue of faith. I see him as a man who absolutely knew that Jesus was the Son of Man, the Messiah, yet struggled with faith on the day-to-day level. He had spent every day with Jesus, witness to perhaps thousands of miracles. When Jesus told him to get out of the boat and walk to him, he did it. Immediately. As long as he looked at Jesus, he was fine. But, as soon as Peter's line of sight turned towards the waves instead of Jesus, he became overwhelmed and started to sink.

I know that I know that I know that Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me. That He does have my best interests in mind. That He will hold me in the palm of His hand. And, yet, it is easy to take my eyes of my Savior, focus on the waves in my life, and become overwhelmed.

This week, I am so thankful for two answers to prayer that, honestly, I didn't even think about after I prayed them. And, yet, God loved me enough to remember them, and answer them exactly when I needed them most.

Prayer #1:
Saturday morning, the girls & I went garage sale hunting. I had been thinking, in the back of my mind, that I would really like a new pair of casual brown sandals to wear to work. I needed something comfortable yet nice enough for work. But, like most things, that little prayer got forgotten in the everyday. At the Florida Mesa Madness, a huge yard sale at Katrina's school, a woman was selling a TON of shoes. And guess what? A cute pair of brown leather sandals, that fit me perfectly, for $1!

Prayer #2:
Back in January, I was preparing our taxes for the feds. Mind you, we are still paying on our taxes from 2007, so the thought of having to pay even more was daunting, to say the least. I was feeling really discourages as I was preparing everything for our accountant. I prayed as I was gathering, "Lord, it would be really nice to not have to pay anything. I know better than to ask for a refund (cause that never happens when you're self-employed), but if we could just break even, that would be great." I gave our information to the accountant to prepare and forgot about it.

Last week, I realized we hadn't heard from him yet. Jerome called our CPA, and he said that he would have everything ready this week. He also had a surprise. Not only did we not have to pay anything (a specific answer to my specific prayer) but we were also going to get money back, which would be applied to our 2007 debt! God answered above and beyond what I expected.

Monday morning, Jerome received some bad news about the financing for one of his deals. This deal may or may not go through now. I must confess that, like Peter, I allowed my focus to go to the waves rather than my savior. And I felt myself sinking. But God, through my amazing sweet hubby and an awesome friend with wise words, picked me up and lead me back to the boat. God knew we were going to receive this news. I know He answered my two specific prayer ahead of this to remind me that He will see us through this as well.

I am so grateful that my Jesus picks me up!