Today, I am linking up with Shell for Pour Your Heart Out. Basically, it's a safe place for anything you know you need to say.
How do you express in words the deepest cry of your heart?
Or do you?
On October 31, I was baptized. Again.
And, two months later, I still struggle to explain the how, the why.
The first time, I was 19. I had accepted Christ not too long before.
I did it because the mature Christians said it was the next step.
I did it because I wanted to prove to my parents that my Christianity was not just a phase.
I did it because I wanted to make God happy.
The trouble is, not much changed.
I was unwilling to let God work in those deep, painful areas of my life.
In August, I wrote about my experience in allowing God into those recesses for the first time.
In September, I wrote about the pain and numbness of my depression, the Scriptures that jumped off the page and into my heart, the truth of who I am versus the lies I have believed for too long.
This journey has been long, and hard. But I need to document it, for no other reason than my own sanity. There are still dark days, for sure. Days where I battle to claw the edge of the precipice, terrified of slipping. But the dark days are starting to number less than the good ones.
On October 31st, I was baptized. Again.
I struggled for a month before with the decision. Do I do it? Should I do it?
No one knew, other than my husband, until that morning.
This COULD NOT be something I did for ANYONE else.
I had to do this for me.
I know that the last 4 months have been completely different than the last 12 years.
I know that God is doing a new work in my heart.
I know that, for the first time, I do not have to fear when God starts to reveal an area of my life that He wants to heal.
It hurts.
And I am not perfect yet.
Sometimes it seems easier to run sometimes than face the pain. Sometimes I do run.
But I am learning that He will chase me.
And when I let Him catch me, He will not be angry.
I know that the worst thing I could do is hide the pain.
I know I have no reason for shame or guilt.
And that is why, on October 31st, I was baptized. Again.
Because I know I am not the only one.
10 comments:
Thanks for sharing this...being a "real" christian-not just one who talks the talk, but is willing to be genuine about all the junk and the "I'm dealing with it"s is a more beautiful witness than being "perfect". Becoming a Christian doesn't take all the junk away, as you well know-we just have His grace to help us get through it beautifully. I love seeing your genuine heart shine though,even though i know it's hard to share sometimes. It's infinitly more beautiful than the you you were trying to be; and it's what I always knew was there in the first place. Thank you for being brave enough to let me-us-in.
What a beautiful decision.
My husband and I have struggled with this decision. B/c we were both baptized as infants- it's what was normal in our churches. We've both been Christians forever and yet we never went through adult baptism. I guess b/c it feels like something that you do right after you decide to be a Christian and that decision is far behind both of us.
But, I think our day is coming soon.
I am so excited you posted about this. I love how Kevin (our youth pastor) talks about baptism. He talks about when you are baptized it is an outward expression of what is happening inward. God is so good. He never leaves us. He is as close as a whisper. I love that he is whispering the truths of your heart to you. I love that you are so good to be still and listen. I love that you are honest and I LOVE especially that you are NOT perfect. Whew. ;) May you.. this Chirstmas, continue to hear his whispers of truth. He was thinking of you when he sent his son to this earth to be born. He knew you by name and he is excited about the plan and journey you are on with Him. Love you Tiff... your an awesome woman of God who I am blessed to call friend. lv, jen
From a fellow double-dunker... I love that you decided to do this for you and God.
How He loves us! Pursues us and is crazy about us and enough so, that He doesn't want to leave us in the dark areas that we think are too ugly for Him.
So thankful for you, for your vulnerable honesty. God gave you a gift in sharing with words.
Just hope to share a hug and a prayertime with you someday!
Merriest Christmas my Dunk Sister :)
That is awesome! And, very brave of you. I was baptized as an infant, but I've thought about doing it again. However, I just got to where I can sing out loud in church without feeling like a dork. I've never taken communion and my legs freeze every time they ask for people to come up to the altar to pray during service. Is that crazy or what? I'm a bonehead. I guess it gives me something to work on...
It was the documenting of God's work in your life that kept me here. God has been and is working in my life (OUCH!!!). You have encouraged me so much. I think this was an awesome thing to do! All to often I've made the right decision for the wrong reason - aka everybody said it was the next step. It's so different to own my own faith. My greatest discovery this year after being a Christian 27 years was knowing that God really does love me. Crazy!
Babe,
I am so proud of you for doing this. You were obedient, and I look very forward to what God is going to do in your life and how many people are going to make decisions because of your faithfulness. You are amazing and I am so proud of you. Thanks for being my wonderful wife. I love you!
Just beautiful. I know God is pleased.
I am so proud of you. Your honesty is humbling, among other things. I must say, I don't think there are always words to express your hearts deepest cries. You my dear, explained it beautifully. Being baptized doesn't mean you have to be "perfect" from now on. It means you know you are a sinful and broken person who knows that without Jesus, you are nothing. I am so very proud of you! Being Baptized does help your heart to slowly, evolve almost, into a more obedient Christian and it is a very important step in faith. That alone is wonderful! No, your life won't be all fine and dandy from now on, but it will be fuller. Full of love! Big hug!!!!
I just got Baptized for the first time on December 19th :-) Remind be to tell you about it sometime.
Beautiful post and wonderful reason for being baptized. I was baptized as an infant, but when I was 22 I made the decision to have a water baptism and I was baptized at Eagle Mountain Lake in Fort Worth Texas by Pastor George Pearsons - along with a couple hundred people. It was amazing and life changing! Love the photos my friend.
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