Getting There

Well howdy stranger!  It feels like forever since I was here.  Please excuse my absence this past week or so - it has been a rough one.  Why do I feel like I am writing a letter to the school secretary?  Anyways...


The full brunt of what happened hit me last Tuesday.  Up until then, I had been in "get it done" mode.
 
Keep the furious husband from going next door.
Hold the children every time they cried.
Keep the furious Katrina from going next door.
Pick up toys and water dishes and leashes.
Keep the furious Dad from coming unglued.
Make pies for the neighbors.
Keep people from filling in holes in my flower beds.


I spent so much time taking care of the details, and taking care of everyone else, I forgot about me.  Last Tuesday evening, facing court the next morning, the emotions flooded me.  Anger, sadness, betrayal, fear - they overwhelmed me.  I was unable to sleep for longer than an hour-ish at a time.  I would wake up at every sound, unable to return to sleep because of the replay in my head. 


It is honestly the first time that I can remember fearing for the safety of my family.  I couldn't even look at the neighbor's house without getting sick to my stomach.  I couldn't talk or even think about what happened without the anger and fear bubbling to the surface.  What if I had just taken Ranger with us?  What if we had been home?  What if they had attacked the girls?


Last Wednesday, it hit the fan.  All of it.  We had court that morning, sort of, and I got to spent 3 hours trying to keep my father from doing or saying something that would land him in jail.  FYI - never, ever, put this man's grandbabies in harm's way.  Jill, Ranger's mama, and my amazing friend, wrote this post about what happened that morning.  Honestly, for me, it is really a blur.  I remember the outcome, and the decisions ( and lack thereof), but not much else.  The dog's owner plead guilty to the charges, and we have a hearing at the end of the month to decide the dogs' fate.  And I lost my favorite coffee mug.  That's about all I remember of the details.  The emotions still, at times, are very raw.  The details are hazy.


I got back to the office mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  That night I crashed.  I could feel myself slipping back into depression, something I have struggled with since middle school.  Trying to fight the slip, I found myself in fight mode.  Fight the children.  Fight the husband.  Fight the housework.  Fight the emotions.  Fight to keep my head above water.  When Jerome asked me what I was feeling, I had no words.  No way to express the hurricane in my heart and mind.


I just sat in my hubby's arms and cried.  I had no idea how deeply this would affect me.  There were so many times I sat down to write this post, or something like it, and the words just wouldn't come.  Normally, writing is my escape, my release.  This time, I had no words.


Slowly, over this last week, it has gotten better.  It has become OK.  The kids are finally back to sleeping in their own beds.  I have slept through the night for the last 4 nights, greatly improving my outlook.  When I look over at our neighbor's house, it is no longer with anger.  Right now I feel a deep sadness for them.  Their world has been turned upside down too.  They had just moved in, and are now probably going to have to move somewhere else.  They will probably lose both of their dogs.  And, no matter how I feel about those dogs, they were treasured family pets. 


So, how are we doing?  OK.  There are still hard moments, fearful moments, sad moments.  But, those moments are coming less and less every day.  Children are incredibly resilient.  Mamas are not quite as elastic, in many ways.  But we are getting there.  Every day is a testimony to God's grace, His forgiveness, His peace, His mercy, His love, and His healing. 


Thanks, y'all, for being patient with me.  For all the sweet and wonderful emails, phone calls, texts.  I am grateful to have friends like you.