Disclaimer: Honestly, this post is more for me than anything. I have so much in my mind that I just need to get out, to process. It will probably be really long. Feel free to click the little red x any time.
I don't even really know how to write this. Usually, Thursdays are devoted to thankfulness, reminders of all we have in this world to be grateful for. Today, my heart is overflowing to the point where I know I need to write, to get some of it out (my cheap therapy - welcome to the ride), but I don't even know where to start.
It has been an interesting past few years, to say the least. Giving up a steady paycheck four years ago to pursue the gifting God has given my hubby has been a test of faith, to say the least. Realizing that, in order to make ends meet while he built his business, I needed to go back to work was heart-wrenching.
This last year has been really hard. We have seen deal after deal fall through - financing during a recession just plain sucks. He has lost clients & deals because he refuses to compromise. We fell really far behind. I never thought it would come to this. There have been many evenings spent in tears, asking God if we were still on the right path, if we were still really following His will. And, every time, the next day Jerome would have a new prospect, or a new listing. God kept bringing people into our path that we knew would, someday, result in a sale. And so we trusted.
During all of this, God has been doing some major renovation to my heart. I have been a perfectionist as long as I can remember. I struggled and yearned for the affirmation of other people. It is much easier to believe that God will heal, provide, and protect other people, not me. I struggle to trust Him in even the little things, believing the lies that I am not worthy of this trust. Fighting this battle in my heart and in my mind while putting on the mask I thought I had to wear was exhausting. I could not let people see my struggles. People turned to us, asked for our help. We have been leaders in our church! I shouldn't be still fighting this battle. Shame and pride kept my heart locked up, held me captive to my fears. If people only knew just how bad it was, in our home and in my heart, they would run. We would overwhelm them. Everyone else had their own struggles - we just needed to suck it up and deal. We didn't want to be those people - the ones who suck the life out of others.
But God and I have been having a lot of chats lately. About my loneliness, about how I keep people at arm's length by refusing to open up to them. About how the deep, intimate relationships I crave more than anything are hindered by my refusal to let them see my humanness, my imperfections. About how I plead with Him to help us, to show me that He cares enough about me to answer my prayers, but wallow in unbelief that He will actually come through for me.
This week, I forced myself to open up to some dear friends. To lay it all out. Everything. I puked on them (not literally). It was liberating to be able to say, "Do you really want to know exactly how I am doing?" - to be able to tell someone everything. And I did. And the love I felt afterwards was overwhelming. These friends did not reject me, did not point out my faults, my sins. They loved me. They spoke words of encouragement that blessed me beyond anything.
And then something incredible happened. God prompted some people in our lives to bless us in a real, tangible way. Sorry if that was a vague description, but I know they would want me to honor their privacy. It was as if God was whispering in my ear, "See? You asked Me for this. Specifically. And while you struggled to believe that I would do it, you still asked, holding onto that tiny bit of faith. And I moved their hearts to show you just how much I love you."
That is why I am overwhelmed, because my heart is overflowing. I have felt the freedom that comes with being truly real with someone. I have seen the grace and love that comes with true friendship. I have seen God move on my behalf. This week has been overwhelming, and I am so thankful for it.
Thanks for letting me puke. I need to go get some paper towels now.
5 comments:
I love this post. I've had some of the same struggles while dealing with my hubby's job loss, and then coming to terms with the fact that the job he finally did find doesn't live up to the same standards (monetarily). Heck, not even in the same realm.
It's like, how many more times does He have to show me what He is capable of before I will just trust? So many things have fallen into place and worked out when all I did was doubt and focus on why it wasn't going to work. I think it's His version of smacking me upside the head... and I've been a little slow getting the message. Thankfully, He keeps smacking me. ;)
I'm glad you've had a great week... it's nice to be overwhelmed in that way.
Okay, I have a lot to say, cause I think we've been in the same place for awhile. The tears are a-flowing right now though, so I'll keep it brief before I go bawl my eyes out. So so glad that you were able to reach out ("puke"-love that) to your friends and feel their love and support. So glad for God's blessing, and praying for many more for you {hugs}
Praying that the blessings continue to flow and that your obedience, and faith, grow by leaps and bounds in the process!
I wish I was still there to be an in person friend instead of just a friend over the internet! You were such an awesome friend to me when I truly, honestly, needed it more than I have at any other point in my life. I was a thousand miles away from anyone I felt like really cared about me and God brought me you. I am glad that you have friends to be there for you as you were to me. Love you!
Hey Sis,
You guys have been in my thoughts and prayers big time. I am so glad to hear about God's faithfulness. You have meant so much to us, and I know God has great things for you. Anytime you need to puke, feel free.
Post a Comment