"How are the kids feeling?", he asked me.
I reply with a short, terse, "Fine", and go back to my work.
They aren't fine, not really. But I don't want to tell him that. My heart still stings from our argument yesterday, and, quite honestly, I don't want him to know. And does he really want to hear exactly how all three of them are doing, or is asking about my children the easy way to get back on speaking terms with me? To move beyond the wound rather than try to deal with the issue at hand?
The rest of my day is spent in a blur of "fine" moments. Moments where giving the plain vanilla "fine" seems so much easier and safer than dirty, honest truth.
"How's your husband's business?"
Fine
"How are the kids doing these days?"
Fine
"How was your trip?"
Fine
"How's church?"
Fine
I tell myself that you don't need to know everything. That you don't want to know I am
exhausted
frustrated
ticked off
sad
mad
happy
confused
joyous
pensive
timid
unsure
confident
concerned
grateful
questioning
peaceful
cautious
carefree
And probably all at the same time.
I don't want to be the person who bursts into tears in the check-out line. Or the person whose life is sunshine and rainbows and unicorns constantly, whose sugar sweetness leaves a film in your mouth. The person whose FB profile reads like an intimate diary. The person who over-shares with everyone. That person.
But I can no longer be the other extreme, either. I am tired of plain vanilla. I am tired of maintaining the "fine". It is, quite frankly, exhausting. And I don't have time for it. It takes much more time and effort to put on the face and reply with the "fine" rather than honestly blurt out, "Right now, life sucks. But tomorrow it will be better", and move on. I am tired of holding people at arm's length, afraid to be completely honest, afraid they will run away.
Honesty and transparency are a battle for me. But I want to fight. I want, no I need, these relationships. And I need to know the safety that can only come from intimacy.
14 comments:
"Fine" is such a natural response, though, isn't it?
I hope that you can open yourself up more. :)
Love this post and totally know where you are coming from..... love ya girl
I've always been one that if I'm ticked, I get REALLY quiet and terse. No matter who I'm talking to, or what's going on. "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Is everything ok?" "FINE"
For me? Sometimes 'fine' is all some individuals get. Even if they happen to be family. I get tired of just the opposite... letting people in only to have them stab me in the back.
I decided some time ago, if you can't be encouraging, lift me up, and be supportive, then I shall still love you... but I shall love you from a distance. And, that distance is fine.
Hugs to you, girl. :)
All I have to say is I love you! Plain and simple. Do what you need to do to be happy. I could say so much, but it just would not be the same as giving you a much needed hug. You are amazing and don't forget that.
Girlie, you know you never have to be "fine" with me, and that is FINE by me.
I feel privileged to be praying for your family and to know that you are praying for mine.
And while you never have to explain yourself (except when you leave a teaser about some new Saint Poopicus story), know that I don't need to know the details to pray :)
Life has been so "unfine" with us for so many years when Kev was using and Kristen was struggling - things aren't totally "fine" yet, but much better - but I hold my breath a lot of the time, I find.
I hope things will be "fine" soon!
yep sister I hear you. I am opening up on my other blog kind of along the same lines. Praying for you.
Hugs!
My heart just aches for you. You can be fine or any of those other words with me and know that I'll be there to read, pray, and listen if need be. I pray that even in the "life sucks" moments you feel the peace of God and His never ending love for you. And when that is too hard you can remember how many people love and pray for you. You are an incredible, strong women. I'm so glad this crazy blog world brought us together.
Praying, as always.
My heart just aches for you. You can be fine or any of those other words with me and know that I'll be there to read, pray, and listen if need be. I pray that even in the "life sucks" moments you feel the peace of God and His never ending love for you. And when that is too hard you can remember how many people love and pray for you. You are an incredible, strong women. I'm so glad this crazy blog world brought us together.
Praying, as always.
Good for you for being so honest. It's all too easy to use the default "fine." I use a by case strategy. Sometimes people ask "How are you doing?" as an autopilot question. They don't really expect or have time for an answer other than "fine." Other times I appreciate the person's interest but I don't trust them with my answers. But there are those sweet times when a trusted friend asks how I'm doing and I know they have time to listen and I can share my heart. The most soul satisfying is when a trusted friend listens and asks if she can pray with me.
Being fine is hard isn't it? That's why, as women we stick together so that when those "fine" moments come around we have an arsenal of love from friends to surround ourselves with, those friends bring the big guns...the ones you have to get on your knees and close your eyes to use. Our guns take our problem, spoken or not, straight to our Father.
You never have to say "Fine" to us...
Sending prayers for you and your family today....prayers for tomorrow to be "GREAT"
I would love it if you were never "Fine" with us again. You know, except when things really ARE fine. ;)
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